


Null Pointer Exception

by duan-with-your-shitt (soybeez)



Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: Dex is jealous, Grand Gesture, M/M, Misunderstandings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-12
Updated: 2017-02-12
Packaged: 2018-09-23 22:14:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,020
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9681899
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/soybeez/pseuds/duan-with-your-shitt
Summary: When Dex finally gets the man of his dreams he thinks that it's as good as it gets. And it is, until Dex starts finding problems that aren't there.A saga of romance, jealousy, misunderstanding, and how to make up for it.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to the wonderful benjios for the inspiration and beta-ing. And, as always, thank you to the fabulous Ngozi for the excellent Check Please source material.
> 
> Also just edited for some spelling. Thanks guys.

Dex threw himself onto his bed, staring up at the bottom of the bunk above him. Someone, probably drunk Ransom, had stuck glow stars all over it to match the ones scattered across the attic ceiling. Today had been terrible. Practice had gone well until one of the frogs, one of the new frogs not one of The Frogs, lost control of the puck and hit Dex in the face. It wasn’t a bad hit but Dex would have a massive bruise on the left side of his jaw for a few days. Then he’d had a pop-quiz in his nine thirty Brit Lit seminar that he was pretty sure that he bombed. The dining hall had run out of burgers so he had been stuck with Lucky Charms for lunch and he had a program due at midnight that he just couldn’t get to work. So he was in a mood.

He heard the Haus door open and close a few times and then the metallic clang of baking dishes. So Bitty was home. Dex decided that he would give himself thirty minutes to mope and then he would go downstairs. Bitty would fuss over his face and give him cookies or something and he could play Mario Kart until Chowder got home. He could get the goalies help on the program. The lit quiz was a lost cause. When the alarm went off on his phone Dex rolled out of bed, grabbed his bookbag off the floor, and wandered downstairs. Niki Minaj was playing in the kitchen and the heady sweetness of maple syrup filled the air.

“Hey, Dex.” Jack was sitting on the red couch in the living room reading a thick book with an out of focus black and white photograph on the cover. Bitty had set the old nasty green couch on fire earlier in the year and replaced it with an extra long, overstuffed thing in Samwell red. He said that he had use the money from the Sin Bin was Dex was pretty sure that Jack had paid for it.

Throwing up his chin in acknowledgement Dex fell onto the other side of the couch. After Jack and Bitty had announced their relationship last year Jack was over at the Haus a lot. He tried to come to games whenever he could and would spend long weekends in the off-season. The two of them were nauseatingly in love. It was so real that you couldn’t help but want it for yourself. Dex had even given up on his excessive fining once he had gotten the dryer (after two weeks Jack had given him a signed, blank check and told Dex to ‘just take care of it’ as long as no one found out).

“Dex, honey, you really do need to put ice on that. Jack, don’t you think he needs to ice that?”

Jack looked up from his book. Dex found the scrutinizing gaze coming from those blue eyes to be a little unnerving. Finally, Jack shrugged. “It certainly wouldn’t hurt. Do you still keep that bag of Injury Peas in the freezer?” before anyone could protest Jack had left the couch to rummage through the kitchen.

“That boy forgets that he isn’t captain anymore,” Bitty chirped. He took Jack’s seat. “So, honey, how was the rest of your day?”

Before Dex had to come up with an answer there was a large crash from the kitchen and a murmured merde. Bitty, looking worried, hurried into the kitchen. Listening to the commotion and accompanying chirping Dex wondered if he would ever have what they did. It hadn’t been easy for them, he knew, but damn the two of them seemed so happy now. Bitty hadn’t baked Sad Brownies in months, both a blessing and a curse considering that they were peanut butter fudge, and Jack seemed more comfortable in his own skin. They were that soft kind of happy that made you roll your eyes and catch your breath. The kind of happy that you were pretty sure that you would sell your soul for; which was pretty much the only way that Dex would find that kind of love.

The front door slammed and the quick stomp of boots filled the house. Twin thuds indicated the boot’s forceful removal to the corner. Dex looked up in time to see a paper bag being thrown his way. He had to lean to catch it before it hit the ground. Pulling open the bag Dex found a double cheeseburger, l large order of fries, and a bottle of Aleve.

“Dining hall ran out of burgers weirdly early today. Figured you’d want something greasy and terrible for you after this morning’s shitty practice.” Nursey fell onto the couch next to Dex. He reached into the bag and stole a fry. Dex didn’t even pretend to be mad. “Dude, your face is gross. You should put some ice on that.”

Since the two of them had moved into the attic together their chemistry had been amazing. Maybe Ransom and Holster had been right about the attic’s “D-man duo magic”. When you spent more than eighty percent of time with a person you started to either love them or hate them, and Nursey and Dex had already hated each other so, somehow, all that togetherness seemed to help. They would have to deal with each other regardless of how they felt so they might as well run with it. So yeah, they had been getting along a lot better since rooming together.

Nursey sprawled out on his back, throwing his feet into Dex’s lap. Despite an unenthusiastic groan Dex didn’t protest. He had gotten used to Nursey’s weird need for physical contact. It was no longer weird to have Nursey’s head in his lap, or a pair of feet tangled between his under the table. It had gotten to the point that Dex almost liked it, although he would never admit to it.

“I totally think that injuring a teammate should be finable offense.” Nursey had half-chewed fry in his mouth and was making grabby hands at the game controler. With a dramatic roll of his eyes Dex handed over the controller. “Or at least some sort of penalty for when a frog pucks someone in the face. Because let’s be real, Dex, someone with a face like yours can’t really afford the damage.” Dex pinched Nursey’s exposed thigh, making the man squeal. “Dude, chill.” He kicked his feet in protest.

Dex fell sideways onto Nursey, effectively crushing him. Their chirping had lost its heat over the years and was much more friendly than it had been. Nursey, protesting this change of position, started pushing up with knees and elbows. When Dex didn’t move Nurse decided to take drastic measures. Long fingers dug into Dex’s armpit, the other hand running fingertips over the man’s side. Dex shrieked, his body spasming as Nursey tickled him. Nursey was laughing with a malicious glee as Dex writhed above him.

“I really don’t know what to do with those boys,” Bitty said. They were standing in the kitchen doorway watching the scene play out before them. Dex now had Nursey in a headlock and the poet was still trying to tickle. 

“At least they’re actually getting along now.” Jack’s arm was wrapped around BItty’s waist, his hand splayed across the younger man’s hip. “At least I think they are,” Jack added as Nursey jabbed a sharp elbow into Dex’s ribs. “It’s always hard to tell with those two.” 

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dex stared at the book. He hated Shakespeare. It didn’t make any damn sense to him. He didn’t know why people were biting thumbs and fighting in the streets. And if Romeo was so in love with Juliet why had he been so infatuated with Rosaline twenty minutes before? It was so stupid, and Dex had no idea why he needed to know ‘why did Romeo compare Juliet to a rose?’. This would never be important to him.

“Dexy, I’m going to drop out and become a stripper. Do you think that my abs are good enough for that?”

Dex didn’t even look up from his book. The end of his highlighter was clenched tightly between his teeth and when he pulled it free to answer he noticed bite marks. “Of course they are, dude. We’re hockey players, we work out constantly.” Nursey shrugged, throwing his books on the floor. “But I’m pretty sure people would be paying you to put your clothes back on.”

“Dude, chill,” Nursey laughed. He threw his beanie at Dex, who growled when it landed in his face. “What cha studying? No, are you, William J. Poindexter, really reading Romeo and Juliet? Be still my beating heart.”

“It’s for that gen. ed. class I’m taking. Brit lit.”

“Didn’t you read this in high school? I thought it was mandatory to teach teenagers about their ‘tragic love’? Which translates to ‘yeah, it’s a great idea to get a bunch of horny teenagers to read about two kids that killed themselves because they couldn’t be together’. I mean, it’s a lot deeper than that, but not when you’re fifteen.”

Dex shrugged, confused. “We read Macbeth.” He had gotten used to Nursey’s literary ranting. “Which is ‘let’s teach teenagers about regicide’, so just as messed up. But this makes absolutely zero fucking sense. How can they be in love when they barely know each other? And why are the adults in their lives so cool with it? Shouldn’t the nurse be stopping Juliet? And what the fuck does this even mean?” Dex held up the book beseechingly.

Nursey took the small paperback, squinting at the highlighted section. “Dude, are you reading the abridged version?” Dex snatched back the book defensibly. “No, seriously Dex, no. That’s garbage. You can’t read that.”

“The original’s right here.” Dex tapped defensibly at the opposite page. “They’re right next to each other.”

“But you aren’t reading that side! You’re reading the garbage side! You loose all the poetry, the emotion!”

“I don’t get the poetry!” Dex growled. This is why he hadn’t asked Nursey for help in the first place. He didn’t understand that Dex just didn’t care about the poetry; he just wanted to pass his class. Or, rather, he just didn’t understand the poetry. Reading the Elizabethan English was like repeatedly bashing his head into the boards without a helmet. 

“Then I’ll help you.” Nurse’s voice had softened, the righteous indignation draining away. “Bro, seriously, I will. No bullshit. And you know I’m stupidly good at this kind of shit.” He nudged Dex’s shoulder playfully and the redhead had to smile.

“It would actually be great if you could help. But you can’t get all ‘this is an aberration of prose’ on me like you did with Beowulf.”

“That edition was just an insult, Dex. I’m serious, that better not be in this Haus anymore.” Dex raised an eyebrow and Nursey laughed at himself. Falling into the desk chair opposite Dex he picked the book back up. “Okay, understood. I’ll be chill. The trick is that you have to read it aloud. These shits are plays, not novels. They don’t make any fucking sense unless they’re performed.” Nurse flipped back a few pages, starting at the top of the scene. “Okay, so this is actually a great scene. This is the party thing where Romeo and Juliet first meet. It’s a little dry at first, setting the scene and shit, but then it gets good.”

He read through the lines of servants and Lord Capulet. With each new character he changed his voice, turning his head left to right to make it look as if people were talking. Dex would have chirped him for it, it was ridiculous, but Nursey was just so into it. It was charming. When he got to Romeo’s line Nursey paused. He slid his chair next to Dex’s, shoving the book into the surprised man’s hands.

“You read for the Montague’s. It’ll help, I promise.”

So Dex read Romeo’s words. They felt thick and clumsy on his tongue. He tripped over the strange rhyme scheme and bulky punctuation. When Nursey took back over for the Capulet’s Dex watched as his lips formed the words perfectly, his tongue floating through the verse like a raft over gentle waves.

“It’s your line,” Nursey whispered as if they were actually on stage.

“What?”

“It’s your line.” He repeated Tybolt’s exit, fluttering his hand as if in farewell.

Dex spoke of lovers and pilgrims and lips and felt the fool. When Nursey read he sounded like a poet. His responses were quick and sharp and came with a curved smile full of mischief. Was this how it would have gone; Romeo a fool and Juliet wise? Or were they just playing the wrong parts?

“Do you get what they’re saying?” Nursey asked. It broke the spell. Dex pulled his eyes away from Nursey’s mouth, forcing them back down to the pages.

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“We are not reading Romeo and Juliet in a pillow fort.”

“Aww, come on Dexy, chill. It’ll be fun.” 

Nursey was sprawled across the floor, his chin resting on one of the throw pillows from the living room. He must have commandeered all of the extra pillows and blankets from the Haus. The contents of the hall linen closet, which was a thing that they now had, was spread out on the attic floor. Extra quilts and sheets that Bitty kept for ‘company’ (usually one of the old Haus-mates crashing on the couch) were piled on the floor with the old sleeping bags from the basement they used up on the reading room. There was was a sheet spread from the top bunk over the desk chairs to create a canopy roof. All in all it looked quite cozy.

“Is there a reason that you turned our room into something out of a Disney movie?” 

“We’re reading Charlotte Bronte and she makes me sad. I mean all of the Bronte sisters are sad as fuck but Charlotte,” he shook his head, “she has a knack for just punching you in the gut with it. Yes, Jane Eyre can get to be a little bit much and you’re like ‘okay, i’m over this’, but then she just hits you with something else that is just tragic.” He flopped back down onto the pillows, patting the spot next to him. “So I built a fort. This way I don’t sink into a pit of existential despair while I’m doing homework. We’re reading Emily next and damnit does Emily know how to pull on the heartstrings.”

There was a fluttering in his stomach as Dex crawled in next to Nursey. The setting was both innocent and intimate and the duality made Dex a little nervous. “You’re so weird,” he said. He wanted the chirp to cut some of the strange tension, to make this feel normal and not more, but it fell flat. He didn’t feel like he was getting enough air into his lungs. There wasn’t enough room in the cotton lean-to and Dex had to lay close to Nursey so that they could both read from the book. 

Warmth seeped into Dex’s skin from the contact. Nursey always smelled like dryer sheets and leather. Dex didn’t know what to do with his arm pressed against Nursey’s side so he slung it behind Nursey’s head. It felt like one of those lame yawn-and-stretch moves from nineties teen movies and for a moment Dex seriously contemplated running from the attic screaming. Instead he forced himself to calm down, to breathe. This wasn’t weird; Nursey didn’t mean to make Dex think about the growing attraction that had been building for the last few months. Because, despite their rocky start, Dex was starting to like Nursey. And not just as a bro. In a quite not bros way, actually. 

Nursey laughed, tossing the worn copy of Romeo and Juliet onto Dex’s chest. “Open up, Romeo, we’re on the last scene.” 

Dex opened up to the dog eared page, scanning down the lines of text. They had taken to reading parts back and forth, switching whenever it made sense, but Dex was always Romeo and Nursey Juliet. Dex thought Nursey should be Romeo; Nursey who knew the lines and the words and would be able to read them with the necessary skill, but he wouldn’t do it. As they read the attic grew warm and close. Nursey’s head ended up resting on Dex’s shoulder. His hair smelled like his weird designer conditioner and a stray curl brushed the bottom of Dex’s nose with every breath. Not for the first time Dex wanted to reach out and touch the well maintained curls on the top of Nursey’s head. He didn’t.

Even though Dex knew how the play ended it was still making him sad the more they read. Nursey was right; hearing it aloud did make you feel it more. As he read Romeo’s words he began to feel Romeo’s pain, his passion. He did love Juliet, in the stupid way that the young loved, and now he thought she was dead. Dex could imagine himself riding to his lover’s tomb and killing his enemy for one last chance at a lover’s kiss. He understood that passion, the anger, the desire. He understood feeling so much in the way that other people didn’t understand. Maybe Romeo wasn’t so ridiculous after all. 

Nursey was ridiculous. He had demanded that they at least attempt to act out the stage directions and was currently laying with his eyes closed and his hands clenched over his chest. Romeo had a dramatic monologue so Dex figured that it didn’t matter if Nursey wanted to be extra dramatic. It was kind of cute. As Dex read Romeo’s words over a dead Juliet-Nursey he couldn’t fight the feeling building in his chest; the one that had been building for awhile now. The realization had taken Dex aback at first, for sure, but it hadn’t been a complete surprise. He had a crush on Nursey.

“The doors of breath, seal with a righteous kiss  
A dateless bargain to engrossing death!” 

Seal it with a kiss. Romeo was sealing death, maybe Dex could seal something else. 

“Come, bitter conduct, come, unsavoury guide!  
Thou desperate pilot, now at once run on  
The dashing rocks thy sea-sick weary bark!  
Here’s to my love!  
O true apothecary!  
Thy drugs are quick. Thus with a kiss I die.” 

Nursey opened his eyes. Before he could sit up and read his next line Dex leaned in. His fingers twined gently through dark curls as he pressed their lips together. The attic was quiet and smelled a little like socks. The kiss was short but unhurried. Their noses brushed together as Dex sat up. His moon pale cheeks were as bright as his hair. 

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Nursey was home. Dex made himself count to five before he hurled himself down the stairs and into the living room. He couldn’t look like he actually wanted to see Nursey; that wouldn’t be chill at all. When Dex casually strolled into the living room, his face carefully crafted to show an air of disinterest, it felt as if a non-existent rug had been pulled out from under him. Nurse wasn’t alone. 

It wasn’t as if it were strange to see Lydia Santiago in the Haus, she was the new team manager of course she was there, but it was strange to see her with Nursey. Rather, it was strange to see her draped over Nursey. She was laughing at something that he had said with her head thrown back and her fingers splayed across his chest. One of her rich brown curls, so dark to almost be black, fell over her face and Nurse brushed away with one long finger. 

“And that’s why I’m not allowed in an entire chain of convenience stores on the East Side.” Nusey’s eyes were flashing and he had that tilt to his lips that meant that he was way too satisfied with himself. “Hey, Bitts, Go-Go wanted to know if you knew how we scheduled stuff with the peewee teams?”

Bitty walked out of the kitchen wiping his hands on bright blue dish towel. He was frowning in concentration with his bottom lip pulled between his teeth. “Lardo didn’t tell you?”

Lydia shook her head, curls bouncing. “It wasn’t in the binder. She said I could call her with any questions but I wanted to check with you first.” 

“No problem, honey. Let me get this pie in the oven and then we can go check the Captain’s Drop Box. Ransom and Holster might have been a handful and a half but those boys sure knew how to make a spreadsheet.”

Taking her bag from where it hung on Nursey’s shoulder Lydia gave him a little finger wave and followed Bitty into the kitchen. Dex was going to be sick.

Nursey frowned at Dex. “Are you okay? You look kinda sick.” Dex shook his head violently. “Oh, okay then. My structures of poetry class was pure bullshit. The professor straight up refuses to talk about haiku’s and it’s like ‘dude, why?’. I’ll tell you why. Because haiku’s are a traditionally Japanese form of poetry and yeah, sometimes they’re really dumb in English, but just because some old, white, Anglo-Saxon aristocrat didn’t start it doesn’t make it irrelevant. ‘As a form of poetry the haiku is very limited in the English language, Mr. Nurse, and I think that it would be more helpful to dedicate our already limited class time to more relevant forms of poetry.’” Nursey had put on a nasally, uppity voice that made his lip curl and his eyes squint derisively. “The academic bourgeoise really needs to pull it’s head out of its ass.” He still looked annoyed. His full lips were pressed thin and his jaw was flexing in the way it did when he wanted to keep ranting but it ‘wouldn’t be chill’. “Want to grab coffee at Annie’s?”

It was starting to get cold out. Bitty had been wearing his hat for week now but it was just getting to the point that Dex needed his jacket for the ten minute walk downtown. This was his favorite time of year. The leaves had fallen and the air was crisply clean. When he was little his favorite thing in the world was to see his own breath in the cold winter air. If he squinted he could just see it now as he puffed out a large breath. Nursey gave him a weird look but didn’t say anything. 

“Do you… Should we talk about last night?” Nursey asked finally. His fists were shoved into his coat pockets and when he looked at Dex there was a strange light in his eyes. Defiant hope.

“Um, yeah. Sure.” 

“I didn’t know you were into guys.” 

Dex shrugged in his too big coat. He had always like the way it hung a little loose around his shoulders. “I didn’t really either. Being here at Samwell has made me rethink some things about myself. About everything, really.” 

“Do you like women, too, or just men?” 

He shrugged again. “I don’t know, maybe I like girls, too. Things are a little fuzzy right now.” 

“Fair enough.” Nursey was quiet for a minute. He kept looking at his shoes, focussing on a balled up receipt he kept kicking ahead of himself. “You don’t have to know, you know. Sexuality is fluid, and shit. You don’t ever have to be one thing, if you don’t want to be.” 

“You sound like Shitty.” Nursey laughed and Dex felt ten pounds lighter. 

“Bro, you should have heard him at Andover. You have a bunch of horney teenagers all shoved together at a boarding school and shit happens, you know? Well my first day on the hockey team this mad hairy dude with this ragedy stache sat us all down and was all ‘Boys, I know this is a complicated time in your lives, and we all have urges, but that is no excuse to be a fucking idiot. Wrap it before you tap it. Anyone you have sex with will be treated with the utmost respect. Women are not fucking sexual objects, they are people. And if I hear one motherfucking gay joke or any kind of derogatory remark about anyone’s sexuality I will personally make your life a living-fucking-nightmare. Do I make myself understood?’ Then he handed us all pamphlets on safe sex, STD’s, teen pregnancies, and a handful of condoms.” Nursey’s imitation of Shitty was so accurate that it had Dex snorting. “And I get it. It can be hard figuring yourself out, especially if you’ve never had a space to do it before. 

“I figured out I wasn't straight in the seventh grade when I had a crush on Jessica Barnes and her brother Henry. Damn was that an attractive family.” He sighed wistfully. “The pan realization came a little later, but that has more to do with access to information than feelings. What I’m trying to say, bro, is that you don’t have to make any decisions now. You are who you are and that is fucking valid.” 

“And it wasn’t weird that I kissed you? It didn’t freak you out or anything?” That is what Dex had been most worried about. He was pretty sure no one would care that he liked kissing boys, their captain was dating their former captain and their former co-captains had just declared their undying love for each other, but that didn’t mean the Nursey would want to be on the receiving end. 

“Hell no it didn’t freak me out.” Nursey stopped then, stepping off of the sidewalk and onto the slowly dying grass. “Surprising as it may be to both of us, you’re actually one of my best friend, dude. I really like you. You’re this high-strung, always angry redhead and apparently that does it for me. I didn’t do anything about it because I thought that you were straight and I didn’t want to mess up our dynamic but I’ve been pining over you since Halloween last year when you wore that stupid-ass costume.”

During their captaincy Ransom and Holster had mandated a ‘no costumes no booze’ rule on Halloween. Dex already had his toolbelt at the Haus and figured he could handle the chirping that came with his cop-out of a costume. He was just going to go as a repairman until Farmer had mandated that it be ‘sexy’. “Oh, come on, Dex,” she had wheedled, sprawled across Chowder’s bed. He had still been getting ready in the bathroom and Dex was hanging out upstairs before the party actually started. “This is college. It has to be sexy.” She and Chowder were Sharkboy and Lavagirl, which Dex wouldn’t call sexy, but he knew better than to argue with her when she had that look in her eye. When Chowder came out of the bathroom Dex was standing in the middle of the room in nothing but his boxers. He had been taking off his undershirt and Farmer had his pants in her lap. Dex was mortified, babbling how it wasn’t what it looked like. “Is Cait fixing your costume?” Chowder asked, ruffling his gelled hair into place. “She’s really good at that.” 

“You liked the repairman thing?” 

“Bro, you looked so fucking hot in that thing. I didn’t even know you knew pants came that short.” Cait had cut the old pair of jeans he had been wearing into a pair of Daisy Dukes that barely covered his ass and he had worn the flannel unbuttoned over a bare chest. “And then you had that fucking toolbelt slung over your hips with the hammer hanging off it, and your hair was kind of long and messy. Dude, you looked like you were out of a fucking porno.” 

“Oh.” Dex hadn’t even realized Nursey had noticed. It had been a pretty decent costume for the minimal effort Dex had put into it and Ransom had only played YMCA twice for the Village People reference. “Is that a good thing?” The rasp in Nursey’s voice made him think it was, but he wanted to make sure.

“Yeah. It was a good thing.” Nursey tried to run his hand through his hair but his beany got in the way. It fell to the side and Dex leaned forward to catch it. Their fingers ended up twined together and their faces were inches apart. 

Dex had never liked kissing in public. Any general public display of affection made him uncomfortable. It made him feel like everyone was watching him, and for a tall gangly redhead with sticky-out ears that had always been a nightmare. When he kissed Nursey he didn’t care. The whole campus could have been staring at them as they pressed their lips together under an oak tree on Sloan Street and Dex wouldn’t have even noticed. Because when Dex pressed his wind chapped lips into Nursey’s soft ones nothing else mattered. He wasn’t sure if anything would ever matter again. 

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It was too warm in the attic. Dex rolled over, trying to dislodge the heavy heat that had somehow settled on his stomach, but rolled into something solid and warm instead. Nursey radiated heat from where he was sprawled out in the pillow fort. His mouth was hanging open and the t-shirt he had fallen asleep in had rucked up past his navel to expose an expanse of smooth brown skin. Dex was glad he had let Nursey convince him to put the fort back up for their movie marathon. He hadn’t meant to fall asleep on the floor, their backs would probably be fucked up in the morning, but Dex felt a shiver of satisfaction run down his spine. One long arm had been thrown over his middle and Nursey’s head was just inches from his own. 

Dex didn’t want to move, didn’t want to breathe too heavily. He was afraid that if he did he would break whatever spell was holding them together. It had been over a month since their first kiss and he had been loving every minute of it. Things were the same and completely different all at once. When they watched movies on the couch Nursey’s head was in Dex’s lap and Dex only rolled his eyes at thirty percent of what Nursey said. They hald hands walking to and from class and always sat together at team breakfast. They had officially told the team that they were, well, whatever they were after last weekend’s Kegster. 

“Dude, I know SMH has a policy of letting people come to things in their own time, but what’s going on with you two?” Ransom asked over brunch. He had a cup of Jerry’s coffee clutched between his hands like a relic. 

“Yeah, deets!” Holster shouted. Bitty shot him a look but he didn’t seem to notice. He was shoved so close to Ransom that the pair looked fuzed together. They practically had been since the ‘Great Mashkov Incident of 2016’ when Holster realized that he was In Love with his best friend and Ransom realized that he could, in fact, be into that ‘incredibly loud trainwreck of a white boy’ as more than just best bros. Nursey had bet they’d be married by the time Ransom finished med school. 

So the boys told the team. Dex’s long fingers had twined around Nursey’s, his cheeks going a bright pink. “We’ve been seeing each other. For like a month. But we didn’t want to make it weird since we’re teammates and everything.” 

“It’s totally chill,” Nursey told them. His fingers squeeze reassuringly around Dex’s. “It’s a new thing; we aren’t putting labels on it yet or anything. We won’t let it hurt our game and we’ll keep any relationship stuff off the ice.” 

Chowder snorted. “Yeah, like you two did when you hated each other?” 

Bitty gasped, clutching at his chest in surprise, and Holster let out an impossibly loud guffaw that drew the attention of nearby customers. Jack shot them an apologetic look. 

Laying on his back and staring up at the drooping sheet that made up their temporary ceiling, Dex thought about it. He thought about being the one who had said, “We should keep it simple, see where things go.” How his chest hurt when he saw Nursey up on the stage reading poetry or laying out on the grass between classes. Because Dex saw what Nursey didn’t; it was the way that people looked at Nursey. They looked at him with hungry eyes and soft mouths. Long armed volleyball girls with high ponytails and flannel wearing poetry boys with waxed mustaches all looked like they wanted to take a bite out of him. Like they wanted to dig in their better-than-Dex claws and never let go. Because Nursey didn’t see what Dex did. That Nursey was tall and beautiful and funny and chill. That people genuinely like him. People tolerated Dex, or he grew on them, but no one liked him outright like they did with Nursey. Dex was loud and angry and didn’t know how to explain it. He didn’t know how to chill. And, one day, Nursey would realize that. One day he would wake up and realize that Dex wasn’t worth his time or attention or love and leave for the next person who was. The next person who was so much better than Dex. 

The thought of that had dug itself so deep into Dex’s chest that it felt like another organ as it beat in time with his heart. Anxiety burrowed through his skull and into his brain where it pumped out a constant string of ‘you are not good enough’. He wasn’t good enough for Samwell or programming and he sure as hell wasn’t good enough for Nursey. So he was just waiting for it to all fall apart, and he might as well enjoy the ride until then, right? 

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Dexy-poo, you’re home!” Nursey sang from the bunk beds. He was sprawled out on the lower bunk with his face in Dex’s pillows and his feet hanging off the edge of the twin sized mattress. The shiny brown shoes were still on his feet and Dex could see the hint of a pale blue tie from under his collar. 

“Dude, what the hell?” Dex asked, laughing. He dropped his bag on the floor before peeling off his jacket. Winter had fully set in and there was snow melting off the boots he had left by the door. “Are you drunk.” 

“Just a ‘lil.” He held up two fingers with an inch of space between them. “Well, maybe just a little more than a ‘lil.” He widened the space. 

“I thought you had a poetry reading tonight for class?” 

“I did. Then after Go-Go Gadget and I went out for drinks with some of the other hipster fucks. Gah, I love those guys but they can be idiots.” Nursey rolled onto his back, beaming up at Dex. “Your hair looks nice.” 

Dex scrubbed it down self consciously. There was a smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. “Thanks babe. You wanna take your shoes off?” Nursey just looked pitiful so Dex sat on the bed and pulled one foot into his lap. “I didn’t know Go was going with you.” Jealousy tried to claw its way into Dex’s gut. Suspicion gnawed at the edges of his mind. 

“Yeah, I asked her. You had to work on that stinky project for class and I didn’t wanna make you feel bad when you had to say no. But I didn’t wanna go by myself either.” He blew a puff of air out of pressed lips and blew a lock of hair out from his eyes. Dex let out a sigh of relief. “Those things are just boring. Everyone is so,” he frowned, knitting his brow, “so artsy.” 

Dex laughed, pulling off Nursey’s second shoe and placing it next to the first on the floor. “You’re artsy, Nurse.” 

“Yeah yeah, but you aren’t. I like it. You’re never trying to prove how smart you are.” He sat up suddenly, pressing a sloppy kiss into the side of Dex’s mouth. Giggling, he tapped his pointer finger against the tip of Dex’s nose before falling back onto the mattress. He tugged at Dex’s wrist, pulling the other boy down next to him on the bed. “Can I sleep in your bed tonight? Mine’s so high.” 

“Yeah,” Dex said, curling around Nursey’s back. “You can sleep with me.” 

As he listened to the sound of Nursey’s breathing Dex thought about what had been said. “You’re never trying to prove how smart you are.” It wasn’t an insult, not really, but Dex couldn’t get it out of his head. It felt like a dismissal. That Dex didn’t have anything to prove because there wasn’t anything there; that he wasn’t smart enough to have a point. It wasn’t what Nursey had meant, he was sure, but it still nagged at him. “You’re not good enough,” the voice hissed as Dex buried his face into Nursey’s neck. “You’re just not good enough.” 

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Go wheeled into the Haus with a flurry of snow. Big flakes of it stuck in her curls and melted into the dull red of her gloves. Dex watched as she peeled off thick layers and hung them on the hall hooks Bitty had installed for the non-resident members of the team. Dex had always thought she was pretty with her big brown eyes and long limbs. Her full lips were always pulled into a smile and when she laughed it sounded like wind chimes. On top of that she could hold her own in a game of beer pong and chew out a hockey player almost twice her size. She usually sat with the true frogs on roadies and read novels that Dex had never heard of but Nursey seemed to think were required reading. She liked black and white foreign films and expensive red wines. 

When she saw Dex she waved, joining him on the couch. He was trying to finish a program and the code just wasn’t working. “Is Nursey home yet?” 

Dex shook his head. “Nah, I haven’t seen him. He should be here in a minute, though. His seminar just let out.” 

“Cool.” She relaxed into the cushions, pulling her feet up under her legs. “We’re going to that exhibition at the Commons. ‘The Curse of Good and Evil’. I think it has potential but Nursey’s pretty sure it’s going to be shit. What do you think?” 

“Oh, um,” Dex didn’t know what to think. He didn’t know what she was talking about. “I guess it just depends on the focus. And they don’t get too bogged down in imagery.” Go nodded as if that meant something. Listening to Nursey ramble had paid off, even if Dex didn’t have any idea what he had just said. 

But as Go went on about the exhibit Dex’s mind wandered. Nursey hadn’t invited him. Nursey had invited Go. It made sense, Go actually knew something about art criticism and Dex did not, but it still stung. Shouldn’t his boyfriend, or whatever he and Nurse were, want to do things with him? Shouldn’t they want to be together. Yeah, they needed to have their own things, but shouldn’t Nursey at least ask?

Just as he always did Nurse made an entrance when he walked into the Haus. He might not have the inherent drama of Holster or the effervescence of Bitty, but it was still there, the something that made a person something. When he saw Dex his mouth split into a wide grin. “Babe!’ He swooped in, wrapping his arms around Dex’s head.

Wriggling in Nursey’s grip Dex managed to free himself. “Why are you like this?”

“Dude, you’re the one who makes out with me on a regular basis. This sounds like a you problem.” He planted a sloppy kiss on Dex’s mouth. Go made a gagging noise. “Go and I are going to this weird ass exhibition across campus. The Swallow said that the guy used actual blood as a pigment, but I call bullshit. I mean, yeah, you can totally get pig’s blood at the butcher shop in town but that would make a shitty paint.”

“And it would be hella gross,” Dex said, wrinkling his nose. “I really don’t get your idea of art, bro.” 

Nursey shrugged. His chin was resting on the top of Dex’s head, his thumb running a circular pattern against Dex’s collar bone. “It’s edgy. That’s what we thrive on. I’m gonna go change real quick. Dexy, help me pick out a tie.” 

Go rolled her eyes while Dex let himself be pulled off of the couch. “Just don’t make out for too long,” she called as they made their way upstairs. “I don’t want wanna miss the free food.” 

“So, you and Go are going to an art thing.” Dex was trying to keep the jealous panic to a low simmer in his gut. 

“Yeah, one of the guys from our critique group is in it. Not the pig’s blood guy,” he added when Dex gave him an icked out look. “I feel like we need to go and be supportive and all that shit.” 

“I could have gone with you. If you wanted.” The words came out too fast and Dex wished he could shove them back in. They were casual, chill. Dex wasn’t going to be a jealous boyfriend; or whatever he was. 

Nursey shrugged as he pulled his sweater up over his head. He never wore undershirts with cashmere because ‘bro, it kind of defeats the purpose of cashmere’ and Dex was staring at the spanse of his bare back. Broad shoulders stretched as a lean neck bent back and forth to relieve tension. Dex could trace the tendons with his eyes; he wanted to trace muscle and bone with his tongue. 

“You have that test tomorrow that you wanted to study for. And isn’t your program being a bitch?” 

“Well, yeah,” Dex agreed grudgingly. “But I could still go. If you wanted.” 

“It’ll be boring and terrible and you’ll just get stressed out that you aren’t getting any work done.” Nursey kissed Dex’s forehead, lips trailing down to press against lips. He was still shirtless, his jeans slung low on his hips, and Dex couldn’t help pressing his palm flat against Nursey’s muscled stomach. “When I get back we can con Bitty into making up cookies for a study break.”

Kissing Nursey was like trying to swim the ocean. He was all steady rhythm and waves that made Dex rise and fall. He tasted like peppermint. Pressing into the kiss Dex pulled Nursey to him, the two of them dropping onto the bed. And urgent need was rising in Dex’s throat. He needed to feel warm skin against skin; to feel the way that Nursey’s fingertips ghosted over his skin and the way that dark curls felt tangled around pale fingers. 

With a half smothered laugh Nursey pulled away. His lips were pink and pulled into a wide smile. Dex wanted to beg him to stay. “Can’t even take my shirt off for five minutes to change without you trying to jump my bones?” Nursey chirped. He was back at the closet, pulling a button up and blazer out of the closet. The shirt was blood red and the jacket was the color of jet. He looked like a shitty nineties vampire. Dex told him and Nursey frowned. “Dude, no, not the look I’m going for. I mean I love Buffy as much as the next guy but I was always kind of a Spike fan, What about the green shirt?” 

It was a pale sage. Dex nodded. “Yeah, much better. Put the black tie with it.” 

“Thanks, babe.” Nurse leaned in for a kiss while wrapping the tie around his neck. “Got my back.” He ruffled his hair and bound down the stairs after another fast kiss. “I’m serious about the cookies when I get back. Bye babe.” 

Dex stared at the doorway long after Nursey was gone. The bed was cold and felt too big sitting on it alone. He needed to study and finish his program but instead he lay down on the bed, curling himself around a pillow. It smelled like Derek. . 

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

He had to be hallucinating. Nursey and Go were sitting at his desk, their faces pressed close together. Go was in the chair and Nurse was sitting on the desk, his shoulders bent around her as he cupped the side of her head. Their angle meant that Dex couldn’t see there faces, but he could imagine them. He could imagine Nursey’s, at least. By now he knew the way Nursey’s lips pushed together when he wanted to be kissed; the way his eyes softened and his jaw went slack. Dex knew the way that Nursey’s fingers would brush through short red hair and grasp at a purchase that he could never find. Now he watched as long brown fingers clenched slowly around dark curls and Dex gasped. With a heavy thud his book bag slipped from his grip and hit the floor.

The pair looked up, surprised. Then they started laughing. Surprise bubbled into nausea that he could feel churning into anger. “What the fuck is going on?” Dex’s voice was hollow.

“Babe, you missed it,” Nursey said, rubbing at his wrist as he laughed. “I’m not even sure what happened but I outdid myself.” He didn’t even look guilty. The anger bubbled up hot and quick from Dex’s gut. Nursey had just been caught making out with someone else and the bastard didn’t even look guilty.

“I saw enough.”

“How’d you even get it out?” Go was pulling her hair back into a messy bun. Her dark cheeks were stained a pale pink from laugher.

Through force of sheer will Dex managed to keep his voice relatively normal when he turned to her. “Hey, Go, do you mind if I talk to Nursey a minute?”

Her lips turned down a bit, but she just shrugged and got up out of the chair. “No problem, Dex. I need to talk to Bitts about the peewee skate next Saturday, anyways.”

“What’s up babe?” Nursey asked when Go had closed the attic door behind her. He pulled his sweater down straight with a crooked grin. “You look upset.”

“What was that?” Dex’s voice was tight. Nurse cocked his head to one side, confused. “With Go. What was that?”

“That? We were trying to figure out the best setup for the peewee skate. Ransom and Holster’s plan involve pitting them against each other in some Hunger Games-esque form of shinny. Go thinks it’s a little barbaric but I was telling her that’s the way that hockey works.”

“And your mouth had to be on hers to tell her?” Dex could feel his own blood pulsing in his ears. His mouth tasted like copper and his nails dug so deeply into his palms that he could feel the skin starting to break. It was all that he could do not to scream.

“Dex, what are you talking about?”

“I walk into our room and you’re making out with our team manager! Our manager, Nurse, of all people. I know that we’re complicated, that I’m complicated, but I thought that we had something. At the very least I thought that you would have the decency to choose someone other than our fucking manager to fuck around with.”

“What the hell, Dex. Are you trying to say that I was cheating?” Nurse was standing now, his fingers splayed across the scarred desktop. The tendons of his neck stood out starkly against his dark skin and his pulse was beating visibly below his jaw. “She had something in her eye; I was helping her get it out.”

“With your tongue?” The words were spat out before Dex could think over them. Nursey looked as if he had been slapped.

“With my hand. My watch got stuck in her hair!” He held up the offending timepiece hanging from his left wrist. Long strands of curly brown hair hung from the hinged metal band. “When you came in I was trying to get my hand loose, which is why I was bending over her like that. You thought I was kissing her? Why the hell would I be kissing Go?”

“She’s beautiful!” Dex spluttered. “And smart and into all of that artsy shit that you’re into. You take her to poetry readings and those weird ass wine gallery things. Hell, Nurse, you’re always with her!”

“Because we’re friends! Because she’s our fucking teammate.”

“You’re always flirting with her.”

“No, I’m not.” Nursey’s voice had gone cold. He hadn’t moved from his spot by the desk. “I’m not flirting with her or anymore else but you, you fucking idiot. That’s just how I am.” 

“That’s not how you are with me.” 

“That’s because you’re an asshat,” Nursey spat. “And I am like that with you, you’ve just got your own head so far up your own ass you’ve never noticed. And even if I were flirting with other people I wouldn’t be fucking stupid enough to cheat on your with our friend in our own room. Not that it would even be cheating, not really, because we aren’t, well I don’t know what the fuck we are!” His words came out fast and sloppy and full of frustration. 

Dex took a step back as if he had been physically struck. “You said we didn’t have to label it.” He hated how loud his voice was, how angry he sounded. “You said I didn’t have to make up my mind!”

“And you don’t!” Nursey threw up his hands in frustration. He kept biting down on his lower lip and the way he kept tugging at his curls showed just how un-chill he was fast becoming. “We don’t have to put a ring on it or anything like that but you can’t freak out on me like this. We never defined the relationship.”

“That sounds so fucking middle school,” Dex muttered. 

“It may be middle school but at least it lets people know where you stand. And you’re the one being fucking middle school,” he shouted, “getting all jealous and possessive and fucking weird. You don’t get to not commit and then accuse me of shit that I’m not even doing.” He scrubbed his hands through his hair. Throwing his hands down he glared at Dex with an intensity the other man had never seen off the ice. 

“You’re so, so charming.” Somehow Dex managed to fling it out like an insult. 

“How is that even fucking relevant?” 

“Because you’re smart and funny and so damn hot that half the fucking campus has to be into you. And you’re into them, too.”

“Oh, you better stop right fucking now, Dex.” Nursey’s voice was low and dangerous. He wasn’t an enforcer, he didn’t need to be with Dex on the ice, but he looked about to drop his gloves. 

“Damn it, Nurse, you find everyone attractive,” Dex blurted. He wanted to stop talking, knew that he was only making things worse, but he couldn’t keep the words from spilling out of his mouth. “How can I compete with everyone on campus?”

Nursey snorted. The derision was palpable. “So it’s my fault that you’re a jealous asshole? That because I’m pan I’m automatically going to flirt with every fucking person in sight?”

“No, no that’s not what I meant,” Dex tried to interject.

“‘Nursey’s pan so watch out before he fucks someone else.’” Nursey’s mocking impersonation cut through Dex like a knife. “That’s not how this works, Dex. That’s not who I am.” He grabbed a duffle bag from the closet. Not looking at Dex he started haphazardly shoving clothes into the bag. 

“That’s not what I’m trying to say.” Why was he still yelling? This had gotten so out of hand. And even now, while he was trying to backpedal, he still sounded like he was about to knock someone out. 

“I don’t fool around. Especially not when I’m with someone. Whatever we have, I thought that it was something real.”

“It was real!” Dex felt his world shattering around him. This couldn’t be happening. 

“My sexuality has nothing to do with my fidelity; they aren’t mutually exclusive. And just because you’re taking some time to figure things out doesn’t mean that you’re allowed to be an asshat about it.”

“I’m not trying to be an ass, Nurse. I’ve never done this before; I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t know how to be good at this fucking relationship thing. You just have to give me a chance.”  
“I don’t have to do anything,” Nurse spat. He threw the bag over his shoulder and grabbed a pillow off the top bunk. “I can’t do this right now, Dex. I’m bunking with Chowder tonight.” 

Frozen in place Dex watched him go. This wasn’t happening. This couldn’t be happening. But it was. It was all happening because Dex had been an idiot. With a sudden clarity Dex rushed down the stairs to catch Nursey. He didn’t know why but he thought that if he could catch Nursey now, before anyone else got involved, he could make it better. If he could just talk to Nursey now, explain the anxiety and the self-doubt running through his head, Dex could make it all better. 

Dex hit the landing as Nursey walked through the open door into Chowder’s room. The closing door felt like a death sentence. The upstairs hall was quiet and Dex could hear voices from Chowder’s room. He couldn’t make out the words but he could hear Chowder’s excitement drain with each sentence. Nursey’s low hum of a voice rammed into Dex’s chest like a mallet, each hit reminding him what he had done. Dex spent longer than he should have leaning against the wall and listening to the steady rhythm of muffled voices. He was an insensitive asshat who had just ruined something that could have been wonderful because of his own stupid insecurities. He had fucked up. 

Climbing back up the attic stairs Dex decided that he had to do something to fix this, or at least a way to apologize to Nursey. Really apologize. And if Nursey would take him back that would be even better. “I did this,” Dex thought as he crawled into bed. “I did this to myself. I have to make this better.” 

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The next morning Dex slunk into the kitchen. It was Saturday and Bitty was making pancakes while singing along to Beyonce. Jack was making scrambled eggs and laughing. Periodically they would hip check each other. Bitty stood on his tiptoes and gave Jack a quick kiss on the cheek. Dex’s chest hurt. 

“Um, Bitts, can I talk to you?” he asked, clearing his throat so that he wouldn’t startle the couple. 

“Of course” Bitty turned, frowning when he saw Dex. The taller boy looked pale and sick and his eyes were rimmed red from crying. “Oh, honey, what’s wrong.” 

“I fucked up.” He felt hollow. The fiery resolve to just do something from the night before had dissolved with the watery morning light and he just felt tired. “I accused Nursey of cheating. He wasn’t. I, I um said some things that were pretty shitty and Nursey left. I’m pretty sure he spent the night with Chowder.” 

“That explains why he left without pancakes,” Jack muttered as Bitty bustled around Dex. He had the boy settled at the table with a cup of coffee and a plate of chocolate chip pancakes in the time it took most people to take a breath. None of SMH was really surprised by it anymore. 

“Tell me all about it. Jack, hun, will you finish breakfast?” 

So Dex told them. He told them about the raging insecurities and the fear and the confusion. He told them about his insistence of not labeling anything or being sure about exactly what it was that he wanted. When he got to explaining the actual confrontation, to telling Bitty about the look on Nursey’s face and the hurt words, Dex could barely get the words out. His throat felt tight and swollen and he was having trouble getting air into his lungs. It felt like the world were pressing down on his chest. 

“You need to apologize,” Bitty was telling Dex, eyes soft and words gentle. It sounded like he was talking from the far side of a long tunnel. “Just tell him you’re sorry, hun, and explain it to him. Ya’ll will get through it.” 

“But I don’t know how to make it stop,” Dex croaked out. “I don’t know how to get rid of the jealousy.” And the anger and the inadequacy and the fear. 

“It comes with trust,” Jack said, sliding into an empty seat with a plate heaped with eggs. “You might always have those feelings but it gets easier to push them down when you trust the person you’re with. And it’s not even about them, it’s about you. It’s less about the fear that they’ll cheat and more the fear that they’ll realize they’re just too good for you, right?” 

Dex and Bitty both turned to look at Jack in surprise. Bitty’s eyes were wide and his mouth was opened into a startled ‘o’. Jack shrugged it off as he took a bite of egg. 

“Because you’re with this amazing person and you just don’t understand what it is that they could see in you to make you worth their time and you feel like you’re tricking them without even meaning to. There are just so many options out there and they are all better than you. One day they’re just going to wake up and realize that. And these thoughts just keep running through your head over and over to the point that you would do anything to make it stop.” 

“Oh, honey,” Bitty whispered. His fingers were wrapped white-knuckle tight around Jack’s wrist and tears were pooling in the corners of his eyes. 

“And I love Bitts more than I thought you could love a person and I know that he loves me,” the smile he gave his boyfriend was so genuine and sweet that it hurt, “but sometimes I find myself wondering why he’s with me. Because I am dating this sweet Southern boy who is more attractive than he has any right to be and he puts up with me being gone all of the time and my terrible running shoes and not being able to hold my hand walking down the street.” Bitty made a choking sound and Jack had to take a deep, steadying breath. He closed his eyes for the count of three then opened them. His fingers were wrapped around Bitty’s. “And that’s just temporary but it will get worse before it gets better and we both know that. It would be so much easier for him to date someone else; someone who isn’t in the spotlight. And while I’m in Providence I can’t help but think of all of these people that Bitty could be with instead of me. The guys in his classes and Haus parties that gush over his cookies and wouldn’t have to pretend to be something they’re not.”

And I don’t think that Bitty is going to cheat. That thought never crosses my mind. I think that he is going to leave. That one day I’m going to get a phone call or a knock on my door and it’s going to be Bitty saying that it’s over. That he just can’t do it anymore. That despite how much he loves me that I’m just too much work; I’m not worth it. But that’s the anxiety talking, I know that. I’ve had that same voice in my head since I could remember. ‘You’re not as good as your dad. You’ll never be Bad Bob. Stop pretending.’ And I have to constantly tell myself that I am worth it. We are worth everything that the world will throw at us.”

“But what if Nursey and I aren’t you and Bitts? What if we aren’t stupid in love and meant to be together forever?” 

“Then you aren’t,” Jack said simply. He looked so secure in himself, so comfortable in his own skin. Sitting at the small kitchen table in a falling down frat house Jack Zimmerman looked like he was home. Maybe it was the man sitting next to him, silent tears dripping down his cheeks, or the fact that he finally believed what his therapist had been telling him for years. You are enough. “This doesn’t have to be the relationship to end all relationships, Dex. And even if it is, even if you two are meant to be together, it won’t happen if you keep second guessing yourself every step of the way. You are who you are, Dex, and Nursey knows that better than anyone. He knows what he’s getting himself into. You just have to trust that he can handle it.” 

Dex didn’t know what to say to that. He was pretty sure that this was the most he had ever heard Jack say in the three years that they had known each other. Total. Even Bitty seemed a little surprised, but Jack was right. Dex needed to trust that Nursey knew what he was getting himself into. And yes, that meant communication and Dex actually talking about his feelings instead of shoving them down, but he could do that. It would take some practice, but he could do that. Hell, if Jack Zimmerman the hockey robot could, then why couldn’t Dex?

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dex wasn’t sure that he could do this. It had seemed like a great idea last night when he had thought it up, staring sleeplessly up at the glow stars stuck to the bottom of Nursey’s bed. Nursey, who still hadn’t come back to the attic after two days. Now that he had to actually do it, though, Dex was having second thoughts. This was stupid, this was too much, this wouldn’t work. 

Last week they had been watching 10 Things I Hate About You in the attic. Nursey was squished next to Dex in the bottom bunk with the laptop resting on top of an upturned box turned nightstand. When Heath Ledger ran through the stadium singing Can’t Take My Eyes Off of You Dex had rolled his eyes. “That is so extra.” 

Nursey had laughed, rolling onto his side so that he could look up at Dex. “It’s a grand gesture, Dexy. The whole point is to be extra.” 

“But doesn’t that make the whole thing kind of disingenuous? Wouldn’t it be better if he just apologized?”

Nursey shrugged. “I mean, sure, you can’t just use the Grand Gesture as an excuse to fuck up, but it could be nice every once-in-a-while. Like, ‘I know I’m the worse and I’m sorry.’ But it’s kind of a once kind thing.” 

Sitting in the back of Annie’s Dex knew that this was his one chance. This was the one Grand Gesture that he would get, so he better make it count. He was half hidden behind a column and had a baseball cap pulled low over his eyes so that he wouldn’t be noticed. As soon as he stood up, though, all bets would be off. It was hard to miss a six foot two redhead wearing booty shorts. 

“And up next,” said the MC, a short boy with a lip ring who had just taken the mic from a heavyset girl with turquoise hair, “is Will.” 

Heads turned as he walked to the front of the coffee shop where the ‘stage’ had been set up. He wasn’t really surprised. The jorts from last halloween were so tight that he couldn’t wear regular boxers and the open flannel wasn’t exactly normal coffee shop attire. When he got to the mic he pulled his hat off and shoved it in one of the tool belt’s pouches. He already knew where Nursey was sitting, had seen him walk in with some of his friends from class, and watched the emotions spread across his face. He had been talking to one of his friends, his head turned away from the front, but a tap on the shoulder had made his head swing towards Dex. Confusion, then shock, and finally what looked like terror flashed across Nursey’s face as his lips mouthed “oh fuck”. Dex wasn’t quite sure yet whether that was good or bad. 

“Um, hey,” Dex said, leaning into the mic, “I’m Will. Or Dex. Everyone calls me Dex.” He took a deep, stuttering breath. “I’ve never done this before so bare with me. And the outfit is part of the performance; I don’t normally dress like I’m straight out of a porno. This is called ‘I’m Sorry, Bro’ and I’d say that’s pretty self explanatory. So here it goes.

“I don’t know why I was Romeo when you’ve always been my Casanova  
But with that first kiss I could have died.  
You tasted like your coffee and things that I never knew that I wanted. 

I’ve got your back but I don’t know how to have your front or sides or fingers in mine.  
I know how to be on a team of twenty but I still don’t know how to be a team of two.

You’re a program that runs so smooth that it can’t be right.  
So I looked for a problem, a ghost in the machined that was us.  
Your infidelity was a Null pointer Exception;  
The problem was never there but I looked so hard that I made one. 

This is my grand gesture and grand apology.  
I am so sorry.  
Because i never want to make your feel wrong or that we don’t belong.  
Because I am an idiot who doesn’t think things through. 

And you get to be mad.  
For once you can be the mad one and I’ll be ‘chill’.  
And I’ll never stop trying to make this up to you and to be better.  
And you know why I’m wearing this dumbass outfit you jackass.”

There was silence following the end of Dex’s performance, but he didn’t care. The only reaction he cared about came from the man in the beanie staring at Dex like he was a stranger. His brow was knit in confused concentration and his mouth was pulled into a thoughtful frown. Dex was fairly certain his heart didn’t beat for a full thirty seconds. And then there was polite if confused applause and he was shuffled out of the spotlight by a gently smiling person clutching a red notebook. He wandered back, dazed to the small table where he had stowed his bag containing a pair of sweatpants because he was not walking back home in this damn outfit. When he stood up, bag slung over his shoulder, Nursey was in front of him. 

“You look like an idiot.” There was no indication of how Nursey was feeling in his tone. The words were flat and even and his hands were shoved awkwardly into his pockets. Dex just nodded. “And the poem was kind of dumb. No one thought that it made any sense; I was the only person that would get it.”

Dex nodded again, swallowing past the lump in his throat. “You were the only one that needed to get it. I wanted to say that I was sorry. That I was the biggest idiot in the entire world and, that if you gave me a second chance, I would pull my head out of my ass and actually talk to you. Because you deserve that. We both do.” 

Nursey’s mouth broke into a wide grin, his eyes brightening. “Bro, that is the dumbest most beautiful thing anyone has ever said to me.” He leaned in and kissed Dex on the mouth. “But if you ever pull any of that shit again this won’t cut it. You’d have to buy me the damn coffee shop or something.” 

“I know,” Dex said. Tears were starting to pool in the corners of his eyes and his voice was so thick he could barely speak. “I know, it won’t ever happen again. I promise.” He buried his face in Nursey’s neck, taking in the smell of him. “I am so sorry, Derek. I am so sorry.” 

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Bass pounded through the Haus as Kegpocolypse 2017 was well underway. Ransom and Holster had passed on their Kegster torch, as well as their spreadsheets, and had allowed the current D-man pair to plan the first party of the spring semester. SMH had just won against Yale and Dex would eat his own fucking jersey if they didn’t make it to the Frozen Four this year. Chowder said if they won he would kiss a puck off the ice. 

Dex took a sip of tub juice, Tango was weirdly good at making it, and scanned the crowd. He had lost Nursey when some of the lax bros had started a screaming match out back and Dex had been sent as an enforcer. The Haus lax ban had been lifted after Whiskey had taken the ‘fuck the lax team’ bylaw a little too literally. Nothing too bad had happened so far but the team was always a little on edge with them around. Dex had sent a drunk freshman back across the street and had avoided actual blows and was now scanning the crowded Haus for his boyfriend. Boyfriend. The word still brought a smile to Dex’s lips. His Grand Gesture had worked, although he knew he would never live down the chirps from it. 

When Dex finally found Nursey he was sitting on the new couch, which Bitty insisted be slipcovered after the Guacamole Incident in November, sandwiched between two guys Dex recognized from the soccer team. One had all of his attention on Go, who gave Dex a little wave, while the other had clearly set his sights on Nursey. Nursey, who was a couple of drinks in at this point, was laughing at something the guy was saying but looked distracted. When he caught sight of Dex his mouth split into a wide grin and his eyes lit up. 

“Dexy!” The soccer player looked up, annoyed at the disruption, and gave Dex the once over. He didn’t seem to impressed, however, and went right back to trying to chat up Nursey. “Dexy! Dex, heeeyy.” Nursey’s words started to elongate and his eyes were just a little darker than they normally were. Couch Guy’s mouth pressed into an annoyed line as Dex walked up. “Where’d you and your stupid face go?” 

“Had to go break up a fight.”

“Bro, people have no chill.” He hooked his thumbs through Dex’s belt loops, pulling his close so that their knees knocked together. 

“Didn’t someone take a fire extinguisher to the football team one time?” Soccer Player asked. 

Dex let out a snort. “Yeah, one of our old captains did it like four years ago.” 

“These parties are pretty legendary.” Soccer Guy had his eyes latched onto Dex in a challange. It made Dex want to snort out a laugh. 

There was still a tightness in his chest, a gnawing feeling of inadequacy when looking at the unfairly attractive man sitting on the couch, but it didn’t take hold like it used to. It was hard to be jealous when Nurse had their knees pressed together and palms splayed across Dex’s back. It was hard to be jealous when Nursey wasn’t even looking at Unfairly Attractive Soccer Guy; he only had eyes for Dex. 

“Yeah,” Dex said, resting his hands on Nursey’s shoulders, “it’s pretty ‘swasome.”


End file.
